“Be Vulnerable and Create Connection”

“Be Vulnerable and Create Connection”

David Rude, MA, CPC
February 19, 2011

I’ve faced many things on my personal quest to know myself as well as to understand other people. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve lain awake at 2 am wondering how I got where I am and why I felt the way I did.

As a student at university I had the pleasure of taking two philosophy courses from an amazing professor. One thing I remember very clearly from those classes was the notion of transcending our current reality. As a confused and developing person the idea that I might be able to be something other than what I thought I was, made me both happy and hopeful.

I felt very vulnerable when I stacked myself, including my looks, athletic and academic abilities and financial background against my classmates. I had friends, good jobs and did very well at school, but I often struggled with my sense of worth.

I remember Kierkegaard and the idea that man must define himself. I struggled to figure myself out and would often blame my parents for who, where and what I was. And so, it was at university that I first discovered I was not the person I wanted to be.

But life has always been amazingly kind and good to me and at graduation I was given the opportunity to move to Central Mexico for two years of teaching. It was during that time, working initially as a stranger in a new land and not knowing the language or culture that I began to recognize myself.

For years prior to that trip I had tried desperately to diminish my feelings of isolation and unworthiness. But in doing so, I diminished everything else in me. Instead I created more isolation and deepened my sense of shame and fear.

Having to learn to communicate in a new language and to fit into a completely new world was the best thing that could have happened to me. The courage that I experienced and the compassion I felt from those people as they watched me struggle to connect with them in language and culture was just what I needed.

I was forced to let myself be seen with all of my imperfections. It took me a few months to master enough Spanish to really fit in. So there were laughs as I stuttered my intentions in this new language and it was okay. They appreciated me for trying and I appreciated them for supporting me as I learned.

I learned the value of connection with other people through the act of being very vulnerable. I am very grateful for this experience as it taught me so much about myself. I felt stronger and much more alive as a result.

Kierkegaard would say, I believe, that when a man chooses (to accept) himself he begins to exist. When we are vulnerable, that is, when we choose to accept ourselves with our imperfections and uncertainties, we begin the process of really connecting with the world and people around us.